Ubu Enchained (Ubu Enchainé) By Alfred Jarry Translated by Simon Watson Taylor To the several masters who acknowledged his sovereignty while he was king ubu enchained offers the homage of his shackles pa ubu Hornstrumpot! We shall not have succeeded in demolishing anything unless we demolish the ruins as well. But the only way I can see of doing that is to use them to put up a lot of fine, well-designed buildings. pa ubu ma ubu the three free men pissweet, their corporal pissale eleutheria judge public prosecutor defense counsel three pious old maids brother bung jailer soliman, sultan of the turks soliman's vizier lord cornholer jack, his valet convicts policeman, wreckers, people ---------------------------Act One ---------------------------scene one pa ubu, ma ubu pa ubu comes forward and says nothing ma ubu What? You say nothing, Pa Ubu? Surely you haven't forgotten the word? pa ubu Psch aw, Ma Ubu! I don't want to say that word any longer, it got me into too much trouble. ma ubu What do you mean-trouble? The throne of Poland, the great bonnet, the umbrella pa ubu I don't care for the umbrella any longer, Ma Ubu, it's too hard to handle. I shall just use my science of physics to stop it raining! ma ubu Fathead! The property of the nobles confiscated, the taxes collected three times over, my own inspiring presence at your awakening in the bear's cave, the free ride on the ship which brought us back to France where, by pronouncing the glorious Word, you can be appointed master of Phynances whenever you choose! We're in France now, Pa Ubu, this is hardly the moment for you to forget how to speak French. pa ubu Hornstrumpot, Ma Ubu, I spoke French while we were in Poland, but that didn't stop young Boggerlas from ripping open my boodle, did it, or Captain M'Nure from betraying me most shamefully, or the Tsar from scaring my phynance charger by his stupidity in letting himself fall into a ditch, or the enemy from shooting at our august person despite our instructions to the contrary, or the bear from rending our Palcontents asunder even though we addressed the savage beast in Latin from on top of our rock, or indeed, you, madame our spouse, from dilapidating our treasures and even filching our phynance charger's dollar a day fodder allowance! ma ubu You should forget such minor setbacks. What will we live on if you no longer want to be master of Phynances of king? pa ubu By the work of our hands, Ma Ubu! ma ubu What, Pa Ubu, you intend to beat up the passers-by and rob them? pa ubu Oh no, they'd only hit me back! I want to be kind to the passers-by, useful to them, in fact, I want to work for the passers-by, Ma Ubu. Now that we are in the land where liberty is equal to fraternity, and fraternity more or less means the equality of legality, and since I am incapable of behaving like everyone else and since being the same as everyone else is all the same to me seeing that I shall certainly end up by killing everyone else, I might as well become a slave, Ma Ubu! ma ubu A slave! But you're too fat, Pa Ubu! pa ubu All the better for doing a fat lot of work. You, madame our female, go and set out our slave apron, and our unmentionable slave brush, and our slave hook, and our slave's shoe polishing kit. But as for yourself, stay just as you are, so that everyone can see plainly that you are wearing your costume of slave cook! ---------------------------scene two The Parade Ground. The three free men, their corporal. three free men We are the Free Men and this is our Corporal. -Three cheers for freedom, rah, rah, rah! We are free -Let's not forget, it's our duty to be free. Hey! not so fast, or we might arrive on time. Freedom means never arriving on time-never, never!-for our freedom drills. Let's disobey together No! not together: one, two, three! the first will diso ey on the count of one, the second on two, the third on three. that makes all the difference. Let's each march out of step with the other two, however exhausting it may be to keep it up. Let's disobey individually-here comes the corporal of the Free Men! corporal Fall in! They fall out You, Free Man number three, you get two days detention for being in line with number two. The training-manual lays down quite clearly that you should be free!-Individual drills in disobedience blind and unwavering indiscipline at all times constitutes the real strength of all Free Men. Slope arms! three free men Let's talk in the ranks. -Let's disobey. -the first on the count of one, the second on the count of two, the third on the count of three. -One, two, three! corporal As you were! Number one, you should have grounded arms; number two, surrendered your weapon; number three thrown your rifle six paces behind you and then tried to strike a libertarian attitude. Fall out! One, two! one two! They fall in then march off, being careful not to march in step. ---------------------------scene three pa ubu, ma ubu ma ubu Oh! Pa Ubu how handsome you look in your cap and apron. Now go and find some Free Man and try out your hook and your shoe-polishing brush on him, so that you can start off in your new duties right away. pa ubu Ah ha! I can see three or four specimens scurrying off over there. ma ubu Catch one, Pa Ubu. pa ubu Hornstrumpot! I shall be delighted to do so. Polishing of the feet, cutting of the hair, singeing of the moustaches, forcing of the little wooden pick into the nearoles ma ubu Hey, are you out of your mind, Pa Ubu! You must imagine you're still King of Poland. pa ubu Madame my female, I know exactly what I'm doing, and you-you don't know what you're talking about. When I was king I did all that for my further glory and for Poland; but now I'm going to institute a modest price-list and they'll have to pay me: twisting of the nose, for instance, will cost three francs twenty-five. For an even smaller sum I'll beat you up with your own egg-whisk. ma ubu flees Let us follow these people, in any case, and offer them our services. ---------------------------scene four pa ubu, the corporal, the three free men. The corporal and the free men march up and down for some time; then pa ubu falls into step with them. corporal Slope arms! pa ubu obeys with his unmentionable brush pa ubu Hurrah for the Pshchittanarmy! corporal Halt! halt! Or rather, no! Disobey by not halting! The free men halt pa ubu steps forward from the ranks. Who is this new recruit, freer than any of you, who has invented an arms drill I've never seen before in all the seven years I've been ordering "Slope arms!"? pa ubu We obeyed the command, Sir, in order to carry out our slavish duties. I have performed the motions of 'slope arms'. corporal I've explained this piece of drill time and time again, but this is the first time I've ever seen it done properly. Your theoretical knowledge of freedom is greater than mine, since you even go so far as to obey commands. You are the greatest Free Man of us all. Your name, Sir? pa ubu Herr Ubu, sometime King of Poland and Aragon, Count of Mondragon, Count of Sandomir, Marquis of Saint-Gregory. At present, slave, at your service, Mister ? corporal Pissweet, Corporal of the Free Men but, when ladies are present, the Marquis of Grandmeadow. Please remember, I beg you, to address me only by my title, even if you should find yourself in command over me, which seems likely, since I can tell from your knowledge of the Freedom training-manual that you must be a sergeant at least. pa ubu Corporal Pissweet, we shall remember, Sir. But I have come to this country to be a slave, not to give orders, although it is true that I was in fact a sergeant once, when I was a little boy, and even a captain of dragoons. Corporal Pissweet, farewell. He marches off. corporal farewell, Count of Saint-Gregory. -Squad, halt! The Free Men march across the stage and exeunt. ---------------------------scene five eleutheria, pissale pissale Eleutheria, my dear, I'm afraid we are rather late. eleutheria Uncle Pissale pissale Never call me that, even when there's no one around! Marquis of Grandair-a far simpler name, you will agree, and one which when pronounced does not make people turn round and stare. You could at least address me simply as 'uncle'. eleutheria Uncle, it really doesn't matter if we are late, Since you got me this job pissale Through my important connections. eleutheria as canteen-girl to the Free Men, I have memorized a few of the rules in their freedom training manual. I arrive late, so they don't get anything to drink, so they're thirsty and understand all the better how useful it is to have a canteen-girl. pissale In fact they never see you at all. It would be more sensible if you stopped coming altogether and so saved your uncle from being roasted by the hot sun on this parade ground every day. eleutheria Uncle Piss I mean, uncle, why don't you simply stay at home then? pissale That would not be proper, niece. You are a young girl, Eleutheria, and I must keep an eye on the Free Men to see that they don't take too many liberties with you. A permissive uncle is a living scandal. You are not a free woman, you are my niece. I have already arranged, with great ingenuity, that although it is the custom in this land of the free to go naked, in your case your decolletage is confined to your feet eleutheria So that's why you never buy me shoes! pissale Besides, I'm less worried about the Free Men than I am about your fiancé, the Marquis of Grandmeadow. eleutheria And yet you're giving a ball in his honour this evening. Oh, Uncle, hasn't he got a gorgeous name! pissale And that is why, dear child, I must remind you once again that, in his presence, it is unseemly for you to call me... eleutheria Pissale-no, I won't forget, uncle. ---------------------------scene six The same, pa ubu pa ubu Those soldiers don't seem to have much cash, so I'd better look for someone else to serve. Ah! here comes a charming maiden carrying a green silk parasol, accompanied by a respectable-looking gentleman wearing a red ribbon in his button-hole. Let us endeavor not to alarm them. -Hornstrumpot! by my green candle, sweet child, I take the liberty-your liberty- of offering you my services. Twisting of the nose, extraction of the brain no, no, I forgot; I meant to say: polishing of the feet. eleutheria Leave me alone. pissale You must be dreaming, Sir! Can't you see she's barefoot? ---------------------------scene seven The same, ma ubu pa ubu Ma Ubu! bring me the polishing-hook and the polishing-box, and the polishing-brush, and come here and get a good grip on her feet! (To pissale) As for you, Sir eleutheria, pissale Help! ma ubu (running up) Here you are, Pa Ubu, I obey you. But what do you intend to do with your polishing kit? She's not wearing shoes. pa ubu I intend to polish her feet with this special foot-polishing brush. I am a slave, hornstrumpot! No one shall prevent me from performing my slavish duty. I shall serve pitilessly. Killemoff, debrain! ma ubu holds eleutheria by the ankles. pa ubu hurls himself upon pissale. ma ubu What senseless brutality! Now she's fainted. pissale (collapsing) I'm dead! pa ubu (polishing away vigorously) I knew I'd be able to make them keep quiet. I can't stand people making a din! Well, now that job's done I can claim the fee that I have earned honestly with the sweat of my brow. ma ubu Better revive her, so she can pay you. pa ubu Oh no! She'd probably want to give me a tip, and all I demand is a fair price for my work. Besides, to be quite fair I'd also have to resuscitate that old fool! I've just massacred, and that would take too long. In any case, as a conscientious slave I am bound to anticipate her slightest wish. Ah! Here's the young lady's purse and the gentleman's wallet. Into my pocket with them. ma ubu You're keeping it all, Pa Ubu? pa ubu You don't think I'm going to squander the fruits of my labors buying you presents, do you, you stupid old bag? (counting the banknotes) Fifty francs fifty francs a thousand francs (Reading a card) Corporal Pissale, Marquis of Grandair. ma ubu I mean, aren't you going to leave them anything, Mister Ubu, Sir? pa ubu Ma Ubu! I'm gonna black both yer eyes, then excoriate them! Besides, this purse only contains fourteen gold pieces, all with a female figure on one side symbolizing Freedom. Eleutheria regains consciousness and tries to escape. And now go and find a carriage, Ma Ubu. ma ubu Miserable creature! Can't you even summon up the energy to make your getaway on foot? pa ubu No, I need a large coach in which to install this charming child, and see her safely home. ma ubu Pa Ubu, you're just not being logical. Are you getting senile, turning into an honest man like this, and taking pity on your victims? You must be off your rocker! And how about this corpse, sprawled on the ground for all to see, are you just going to leave it here? pa ubu Bah! I'm getting rich as usual. I shall carry on with my work as a slave. Come on, let's stuff her in the carriage ma ubu But what about Pissale's corpse? pa ubu Into the boot of the carriage. Good. Now all evidence of the crime has vanished. You get in with her to act as her nurse, cook, and chaperone, and I'll climb up into the driver's box at the back. ma ubu (bringing in the coach) Will you eventually be rigged out in beautiful white stockings and a gold-embroidered coat, Pa Ubu? pa ubu Indeed I shall. I have certainly earned them with my zeal. On second thoughts, since I don't have them yet, I shall accompany the young lady inside and you can perch up there at the back. ma ubu But Pa Ubu pa ubu Up you get, and off we go. He gets in with Eleutheria. The coach rumbles off. ---------------------------Act Two ---------------------------scene one Inside the coach, pa ubu, eleutheria pa ubu Sweet child, in me you behold the most devoted of your slaves. Vouchsafe me just one word, I beg one word, hornstrumpot! that I may know you appreciate my services. eleutheria That wouldn't be at all proper, sir. I must follow my uncle Pissale's instructions, never to allow any man to take liberties with me except in his presence. pa ubu Ah! your uncle Pissale? Don't let that bother you, sweet child, we had the foresight to bring him along with us in the boot of this vehicle! He hauls out Pissale's corpse and brandishes it in front of eleutheria who promptly faints. By my green candle, this young person has mistaken our virtuous intentions. Seduction would, in any case, be impossible at this moment since we have taken the precaution not only of securing the person of the uncle but also of hoisting our dearly-beloved Ma Ubu on to the back of the vehicle to keep a look-out, and she would most certainly rupture our gutbag if she caught us at it! We are simply petitioning this young lady humbly for the post of lackey! After all, her uncle didn't raise any objection to the idea a moment ago. And so, hornstrumpot, when I get this lady home I'm determined to stand guard outside her door while Ma Ubu lavishes her attentions upon her, seeing as how she faints so often. No matter who knocks and asks to see her, I'll not let them in. I shall immure her, day in and day out, in the prison of my services. I shall never let her out of my sight. Hurrah for slavery! ---------------------------scene two The hallway of Pissale's house. ma ubu, pa ubu ma ubu Someone's ringing, Pa Ubu. pa ubu Hornstrumpot! it's doubtless our faithful mistress. As we all know, sensible dog-owners tie little bells around their pet's necks so that they won't get run over, and to prevent accidents bicyclists are required by law to announce their presence by ringing a bell loud enough to be heard fifty feet away. Similarly, the faithfulness of a master can be judged by his ringing non-stop for fifty minutes. He simply means: 'I am here, take it easy, I am watching over your leisure moments.' ma ubu But after all, Pa Ubu, you are her man-servant, her cook and her head-waiter. Perhaps she's hungry, and is trying discreetly to draw your benevolent attention to the fact of her existence, so as to find out if you've given the order for Madam to be served. pa ubu Madam is not served, Ma Ubu! madame will be served in our own good time, when we have finished our own meal, and then only if a few scraps of food should still happen to remain on our table! ma ubu Well, how about offering her the unmentionable brush? pa ubu No, I don't use it much any longer. It was alright so long as I was king because it amused all the little children. But we have grown wiser since then, and have discovered that what makes little children laugh may very well frighten grownups. Now, by my green candle, this endless ringing is intolerable! We are perfectly well aware that Madam is there; a well-trained employer should know better than to kick up such a racket at a moment when we are off duty. ma ubu If there's nothing left to eat, perhaps you could offer her something to drink, Pa Ubu? pa ubu Hornstrumpot! If that will make her shut up we will have that great kindness! He stamps down to the cellar in a rage, and brings up a dozen bottles, making several trips to do so. ma ubu Help! I know he was going crazy! a stingy creature like him offering her a dozen bottles! And where on earth did he dig them up? I thought I'd drunk the last drop myself. pa ubu There you are, Madam our wife. Go and bear witness to our mistress of our attentiveness and generosity. I hope that by carefully draining these empty objects you will accumulate enough dregs to be able to offer her a glass of wine with our compliments. ma ubu, reassured, begins to obey. An enormous spider escapes from one of the empty bottles. ma ubu flees, uttering piercing screams. pa ubu seizes the beast and puts it in his snuff box. ---------------------------scene three Eleutheria's room, eleutheria, the corpse of pissale. eleutheria Help! horrors! Rather than remain alone with a corpse, I see no choice but to ring for that dreadful couple who have forced themselves upon me as servants. (She rings) No one answers. Perhaps they didn't have the effrontery to move into the house of their unfortunate victim. Disgusting Pa Ubu! That horrible wife of his! (She rings again) No one! Ah, unhappy Pissale! My uncle, my dear uncle! Uncle Pissale! pissale (Sitting up) Marquis of Grandair, dear child! eleutheria Eek! (She faints) pissale Oh, so now she's playing dead! Ah well! That's life. Oh, poor little Eleutheria! eleutheria Did you speak to me, uncle? pissale Hah, you've regained consciousness? eleutheria Why, uncle P p please tell me why you aren't dead any longer? pissale What's all this p p p p please? eleutheria Marquis of Grandair. I almost said Pissale by mistake. pissale I'll forgive you, my dear. In fact I wasn't dead at all. I was simply carrying to it's logical conclusion my method of accompanying you everywhere as unobtrusively as possible and taking part in all your activities purely by virtue of being your uncle. eleutheria So that's why you arrived home in the boot of the carriage! Well, since you are not dead after all I hope I can count on your valour and resolution to eject this dreadful Pa Ubu and his equally dreadful wife from my house? pissale I don't see any point in that, since it so happens that I have just involuntarily paid them several months salary in advance. they are fine servants, and they learn fast, too: why the first thing Pa Ubu did was to read over my papers and learn my title by heart -- 'Marquis of Grandair, Marquis of Grandair' he kept repeating! Tonight at the party to celebrate your engagement to the Marquis of Grandmeadow, I intend to have Pa Ubu announce all the guests. eleutheria But the Ubus never obey! (She rings) pissale Then what's the point of ringing for them? You hate the sight of them. They are excellent servants, niece, I assure you, but if you're so determined to have someone throw them out of the house you may as well leave the job to Corporal the Marquis of Grandmeadow this evening: he's used to giving orders to professional disobeyers. He's been invited to attend the ball in uniform, and in any case his squad of Free Men provides an additional uniform for him on a hierarchical level. ---------------------------scene four The Hallway. pa ubu, ma ubu pa ubu (calmly) They're still ringing. ma ubu That's not Madam ringing now. She must have got in into her head at last that we aren't at home, or at least aren't taking orders today. That was the doorbell. pa ubu The doorbell Ma Ubu? Ah, let us not in our zeal for slavedom neglect our functions as slave-porter. Bolt the door, put up the iron bars, close all twelve locks and make sure that the little pot of you-know-what is positioned in the window just above the front door, brim-full and ready to greet any visitors standing underneath. ma ubu The bell-cord's been ripped out by now, but whoever it is is banging on the door. It must be a most distinguished visitor. pa ubu Oh well, Ma Ubu, you'd better fasten the end of our chain of office to the iron ring in the wall over there, and hang over the staircase that venerable sign which reads; BEWARE OF THE DOG. If these people have the audacity to force their way in, I shall bite them savagely and tread on their toes too. ---------------------------scene five The same. pissweet breaks down the door. Grotesque battle with the Ubu's ensues. pissweet Slave! Ha you, sergeant of the Free Men, a servant here? Well, then, announce the Marquis of grandmeadow. pa ubu Madam has gone out, Mister Pissweet. Or, to be more exact, this is not one of the days when we permit her to receive company. I forbid you to see her. pissweet This is an excellent occasion to prove that I know my theory of indiscipline by heart. I'm not only coming in, I'm going to give you a thorough thrashing into the bargain! (He takes a dog-whip out of his pocket and brandishes it.) pa ubu Oooh, a whip, do you see that, Ma Ubu? I've been promoted: foot-polisher, lackey, porter, and now a whipped slave. Soon I'll be in gaol, and if God grants me life I'll end up in the galleys. Our fortune is made, Ma Ubu! pissweet This is going to be quite a job, beating him all over that huge surface! pa ubu Ah, what a triumph! See how this lash obeys all the curves of my strumpot. Why, I'm as good as a snakecharmer. ma ubu You look more like a whipping-top spinning round, Pa Ubu. pissweet Phew! I'm worn out. Now, Pa Ubu, I order you to announce me to your mistress. pa ubu First of all, who are you to give orders? Only slaves give orders here. What, pray, is your rank in slavery? pissweet Me -- a corporal, a soldier -- slave? I'm a slave only to love. Eleutheria, future Marquise of Grandmeadow, the lovely canteen-girl of the Free Men, is not only my fiancée but in fact my mistress, so to speak. pa ubu Hornstrumpot, sir! I never thought of that. I'm slave-of-all-work here: thank you for reminding me of my responsibilities. That particular service is all part of my duties, and I shall accomplish it expeditiously, to save you the trouble yourself ma ubu Hey! You big ninny! what do you think you're up to? pa ubu This gentleman, who happens to be free, will take my place at your side, sweet child. Exit pa ubu, up the stairs, hotly pursued by ma ubu and pissweet. ---------------------------scene six Pissale's house: the ball in full swing, eleutheria, pissale, pa ubu, ma ubu, pa ubu is waltzing with eleutheria. eleutheria Help, Help! Uncle, protect me! pissale As your uncle, it goes without saying that I'll do everything I can. ma ubu (running up, shaking her fists in the air) Pa Ubu, Pa Ubu, hey, stop waltzing in that ridiculous way!You've gobbled up all the refreshments from the buffet table and you're smeared with jam from eyebrow to elbow, You've slung your dancing partner under your arm, stupid, and since you don't have the corporal's whip any longer to help you spin round you're bound to fall on your strumpot any moment now! pa ubu (to eleutheria) Ah, sweet child, how we revel in these worldly pleasures! I had every intention of fulfilling my domestic duties by announcing the guests, but there weren't any. -- Well, they told me to announce them but they didn't tell me to let them in; and as for serving the refreshments, there I was, behind the table, eager to help, but since no one arrived I had no choice but to eat everything up myself! And now, hornstrumpot, it is someone's duty to ask you to dance! So, by my green candle, I am performing that service; at least there will be that much less floorspace for Ma Ubu to have to polish afterwards! they waltz. ---------------------------scene seven The same. pissweet and the free men burst in. pissweet Don't touch that man! I'm going to slay him personally! Don't arrest him! three free men All disobey! No, not together! One, two, three! (to Pa Ubu) Off to prison, to prison, to prison, hey? They drag him off, with pissweet in the lead. eleutheria (throws herself into the arms of pissale) Oh, Uncle Pissale! pissale Marquis of Grandair, dear child. ma ubu (running after Pa Ubu) Hey Pa Ubu, I've always shared your bad luck, so now I follow you loyally in your good fortune! ---------------------------Act Three ---------------------------scene one A prison, pa ubu, ma ubu pa ubu Hornphynance! at last we're beginning to look well-dressed. They've exchanged our livery, which was in any case rather tight across our bumboozle, for this exquisite grey uniform. Why, we might almost be back in Poland! ma ubu Yes, we're well housed here, I'd say it's just as comfortable as the palace of Wenceslas. And nobody rings or breaks doors here. pa ubu Ah, how right you are! The trouble with the houses in this country is that the front doors can't be locked and people shoot in and out like wind through the sails of a windmill. But I have had the foresight to order this particular building to be fortified by strong iron doors and by solid bars at all the windows. And the Masters obey our instructions punctiliously by bringing our meals to us twice a day. What's more, we have made use of our knowledge of physics to invent an ingenious device whereby the rain drips through the roof every morning, so that the straw in our cell may remain sufficiently moist. ma ubu But, Pa Ubu, now that we're in here, we can't leave again, can we? pa ubu Leave here! I've had quite enough of marching at the tail of my armies across the Ukraine. Hornstrumpot, I'll never budge again! From now on, people will have to come and see me. And certain small domestic beasts are permitted to regard our person on specific days of the week. ---------------------------scene two The Great Hall of Justice. pa ubu, ma ubu, pissweet, pissale, eleutheria, lawyers, clerk, judge, usher, guards, people. pa ubu We observe with pleasure, gentlemen, the fact that all the wheels of justice have been set in motion in our honor, that our guards have had the forethought to wear their special moustaches -- the ones well-stained with the evidence of banquets and Sunday dinners -- in order to endow the bench of our infamy with greater prestige, and that our liege subjects are listening attentively and remaining silent! usher Silence in court! ma ubu Psst! Shut up, Pa Ubu, or you'll get yourself thrown out. pa ubu Certainly not, there are guards here specially to keep me from leaving. And I am obliged to talk incessantly, since all these people are here specifically for the purpose of interrogating me. -- And now, produce those persons who have lodged a complaint against us! the judge Bring forward the accused and his accomplice! they are hustled up, aided by a few kicks and thumps. Your name, prisoner? pa ubu Francis Ubu, sometime king of Poland and of Aragon, doctor of pataphysics, Count of Mondragon, Count of Sandomir, Marquis of Saint-Gregory. pissweet Alias: Pa Ubu! ma ubu Victorine Ubu, sometime queen of Poland. pissale Alias: Ma Ubu! judge Accused, what's your age? pa ubu I'm not quite sure. I gave it to Ma Ubu to keep a long time ago -- so long ago, in fact, that she's not only lost it but her own age as well. ma ubu Ill-bred lout! pa ubu Madam, psch No, I've sworn not to use the Word any longer: it might bring me luck and get me acquitted, and I'm determined to end up in the galleys. judge (to the plaintiffs) Your names? pissale Marquis of Grandair. pa ubu (angrily) Alias: Pissale! clerk (writing) Pissale, and his niece, Eleutheria Pissale. eleutheria Oh dear! Uncle! pissale Calm yourself, niece, I'm still your uncle. pissweet Marquis of Grandmeadow. ma ubu (angrily) Alias: Pissweet! eleutheria Eek! (she faints and is carried off.) pa ubu Your honor, pray don't let this trifling incident delay you in the least. Go on, please, and render us the justice which is our due. public prosecutor Yes, gentlemen, this monster already soiled by so many crimes counsel for the defense Yes gentlemen, this honest citizen with an irreproachable record prosecutor Having Extended his vile designs by using a polishing-brush on the naked feet of his victim counsel Despite the fact that he went down on his knees to beg for mercy from this infamous trollop prosecutor Abducted her, aided and abetted by his abominable wife, Ma Ubu, forced her into a carriage counsel Found himself locked with his virtuous spouse in the boot of the carriage pa ubu (to his defending counsel) Hey, you there, sir, shut up please! You're telling lies and preventing the assembly from hearing all about our magnificent achievements. Yes, gentlemen, try to keep your nearoles open and stop kicking up such a row: we have been King of Poland and of Aragon, we have massacred more persons than can be counted, we have levied triple taxes, we dreamed solely of bloodletting, cash extortion, flaying alive and assassination; we performed the debraining ceremony regularly every Sunday on a convenient hillock in the suburbs, surrounded by an audience of wooden horses and coconut-shy operators. -- Being very tidy in our habits, we have filed and disposed of these old criminal cases, but since then we have slain Mister Pissale, a fact to which he will certainly bear witness himself, and we have lashed Mister Pissweet here unmercifully with a whip, as you can see from the scars on our body, although this performance prevented us from hearing the sound of Miss Pissale's ringing For all these reasons we commend you, gentlemen, our judge and prosecutor, to sentence us to the harshest punishment you can think up between you, so that we get what we deserve for our crimes: do not condemn us to death, however, because then you would have to vote exorbitant taxes for the construction of a sufficiently enormous guillotine. We rather fancy ourselves as a galley-slave, a fine green cap on our head, foddered at State expense and occupying our leisure hours in petty tasks, As for Ma Ubu ma ubu But pa ubu Hush, sweet child -- she will weave designs on carpet-slippers. And as we don't want to have to worry about our future, we trust that our sentence will be for life and that our country holiday may be arranged at some warm, sunny seaside resort. pissweet (to pissale) So there really are people who can't stand the idea of being free! pissale Listen, you, I know you want to marry my niece, but frankly I could never sacrifice her to a man dishonored by the name "Pissweet". pissweet And I would never dream of marrying a girl whose uncle is unworthy even of the name "Pissale"! usher The Court is considering it's verdict. ma ubu Pa Ubu, I'm afraid these people are going to acquit you; you did wrong not to say the Word to them in the first place. pissweet (to pissale) Well, I'm glad to see we agree. pissale Come to my arms, nephew-in-law. judge The court has deliberated. Pa Ubu, do you know how to row? pa ubu I don't know if I know or not. But I don know how to give orders which will make a sailing-ship or a steamboat go in any direction I like, backwards, sideways, or even downwards. judge That's beside the point -- The court condemns Francis Ubu, known as Pa Ubu, to penal servitude for life as a galley-slave. He is sentenced to have a ball and chain fastened to each ankle while in prison and then to be sent to join the first available shipment of convicts for the galleys of Soliman, Sultan of the Turks. -- The Court condemns his accomplice, known as Ma Ubu, to be fitted with one ball and chain, and to suffer solitary confinement for life in her prison. pissweet, pissale Hurrah for freedom! pa ubu, ma ubu Hurrah for slavery! ---------------------------scene three The prison, pa ubu and ma ubu enter, their entrance being preceded by the sound of the iron balls they are dragging behind them. ma ubu Oh, Pa Ubu, you get prettier every day. You were just born to wear a green cap and to sport manacles! pa ubu What's more Madam, they are in the process tight now of forging my high-ranking iron collar! ma ubu What does it look like, Pa Ubu? pa ubu Madam my female, do you remember the tall gold collar on general Laski's uniform? -- you should do, you spent your whole time in Poland ogling him. -- Well, this is an identical creation, except that it's not gilded, since you advised me to be economical. Oh, it's all solid stuff, you know, the same iron as our balls and chains are made of; none of that sloppy tin-can stuff -- real flat iron! ma ubu Stupid idiot! The iron balls you're dragging behind you are a ridiculous invention; you'll trip over them sooner or later, Pa Ubu. What a din! pa ubu Not ridiculous at all, Ma Ubu. With the aid of these adornments I'll be able to tread on your toes all the more effectively! ma ubu Ow, no, let me off, please, Mister Ubu, Sir. ---------------------------scene four A salon in an academy set aside for pious exhibitions, in which several old maids are scurrying around. first old maid Yes , indeed, ladies, a big fat gentleman has arrived in this Free Country of ours, swearing that he intends to wait on everyone, be everyone's servant, and use his arts to turn all the Free Man into Masters. And when anyone had objected to this he's simply stuffed them into his pocket or into the boot of any passing carriage. second old maid Yes, and that's not all. On my way back from church just now, I got caught in a huge crowd outside the prison -- you know, that crumbling old edifice that is only being preserved as an ancient monument, and has a member of the Académie Francaise as gaoler. Pa Ubu is being kept there at state's expense, until enough other people have also merited the honours of judicial procedure and make up a presentable convoy for the galleys of Soliman. That won't take long; they've already had to raze several districts to the ground, simply to build extensions to the prisons. all May the heavens protect this house of ours! ---------------------------scene five The same. brother bung brother bung Peace be with you! first old maid Oh, goodness gracious, I didn't hear you knock! bung It is not fitting that messengers of sweetness and light should cause the least disturbance anywhere, even by knocking ever so gently. I come to beseech your customary charity on behalf of a new set of poor people: the poor prisoners. second old maid The poor prisoners?! first old maid But the poor are all Free Men, wandering around and hammering with their crutches on every door in the street, kicking up such a rumpus that everyone rushes to the window and leans out to watch what's going on, so that giving them alms practically becomes a public ceremony. bung (holding out his hand) For the poor prisoners! Pa Ubu has threatened to barricade himself inside e his prison, together with Ma Ubu and his large band of followers, unless the authorities provide him with the twelve meals a day he needs for his sustenance. He has declared hie intention of throwing everybody out on the street, stark naked, in the middle of winter -- which he predicts will be a very hard one -- while he'll remain well sheltered inside, surrounded by his henchmen, with nothing more to do than cut his claws with a little saw and watch Ma Ubu embroider carpet-slippers to keep the convict's iron balls warm! all Twelve meals! Cutting his claws! Slippers for iron balls! We won't give him a sou, certainly not! bung In that case, peace be with you, sisters! Others will soon knock louder, and you will certainly hear them! He goes off. Enter policemen and wreckers. The pious old maids flee. The wreckers smash all the window panes and fix iron bars into the frames, cart off the furniture, replace it with straw, then moisten the straw with water from a watering can. The salon is entirely transformed into the décor of the following scene: ---------------------------scene six The prison. pa ubu, in chains, pissweet pa ubu Hey there, Pissweet, my friend! Just look at you: no roof over your head, roaming the streets with your three ragamuffins. I suppose you've come to beg for assistance from our phynance vehicle? Well, we shan't even lend you the diligence you'll need to consummate your wedding night with Miss Pissale. She is free too, her uncle is her only prison -- very leaky when raining! Look at me now! I never go out. I wear a beautiful ball on each foot, and to save them from rusting in this damp atmosphere I've spared no expense and had them liberally coated with glue, so now they refuse to budge an inch! pissweet Ahrgg! I've had enough of you, pa Ubu, I'm going to grab you by the scruff of your neck and drag you out of this shell of yours. pa ubu I'm afraid, my good man, that your single idea of freedom will never make a good snail-fork, which is a two pronged instrument. In any case, I'm fastened to the wall. Good night. Since our astrological calculations have indicated to us that you'll be sleeping under the stars tonight, we have ordered the street-lamps to be lit:" they will supplement the starlight sufficiently for you to be able to get a really clear view of cold, hunger, and emptiness. Ah well, it's our bedtime, I see. the gaoler will show you out. ---------------------------scene seven The same. the gaoler gaoler Closing time! ---------------------------scene eight The passageway of a seraglio. Soliman, his Visier, followed by attendants. vizier Sire, the Free Country has at last confirmed to Your Majesty the despatch of the tribute which it has taken them so long to amass. The authorities say the convoy comprises two hundred convicts, including the illustrious Pa Ubu, who is fatter than the fattest of Your eunuchs, although as far as his virility is concerned he claims to be married to the no less notorious Ma Ubu. soliman Yes, I have heard of this man known as Pa Ubu. I'm told he was once king over Poland and Aragon, and had some amazing adventures. But he eats pig-meat and pisses standing up. He must be either a madman or a heretic! vizier Sire, he is deeply versed in many branches of occult knowledge and might prove useful as a source of amusement for your Majesty. He's an expert on astrology and the art of navigation. soliman Good. He'll row all the better in my galleys. ---------------------------Act Four ---------------------------scene one first free man (to the second) Where are you off to, comrade? To drill, same as every morning? Hey, I suspect you're obeying. second free man The Corporal has ordered me never to turn up for drill at this particular hour. But I'm a Free Man, so I go every morning. first and third freemen together So that's why we keep meeting by accident every morning -- so that we can all disobey together as regular as clockwork. second free man But the Corporal didn't show up today. third free man He's free not to come. first free man And since it's raining second free man We are free not to enjoy being rained on. first free man You see what I told you: you're both becoming obedient. second free man It's more like it's the Corporal what's becoming obedient. He often misses our indiscipline drills these days. third free man Whereas we're standing guard in front of this prison just for the fun of it, in these here sentry-boxes. second free man And they're free too! third free man Besides, we've been strictly forbidden to take shelter inside the sentry-boxes. first free man You are the Free Men! second and third freemen together Yea, yes, we are the Free Men! ---------------------------scene two The same. Lord Cornholer, his valet, Jack lord cornholer Oh, really, the only noteworthy thing about this town is that it's built entirely of houses, like any other town, and that all its houses look exactly like houses anywhere else. Too, too boring rally. Oh, but I say, surely this must be the King's palace ahead of us. -- Jack! The valet bows. Do look up the word 'palace' in the dictionary, dear boy. jack (reading out) Palace: edifice constructed of blocks of granite, decorated with iron bars. Royal Palace, the Louvre: similar model, but with a gate in front presided over by guards whose function it is to ensure that no one gets in. cornholer Well, it looks all right, but just to make sure, Jack, ask this guard if it really is the King's palace. jack (to the first free man) Soldier, is this the King's palace? second free man (to the first) Truth compels you to admit that we haven't got a King and so this building can't be the King's palace. We are the Free Men! first free man (to the second) Truth compels me ? Not at all. Being Free Men, we shouldn't take orders even from truth itself. -- Yes, mister foreigner, sir, this building is in fact the King's palace. cornholer Oh goody goody! Here's a big tip for you. -- Jack! The valet bows. Go and knock on the door and ask if I may have audience of the King. The valet knocks. ---------------------------scene three The same. the gaoler the gaoler Sorry, gentlemen, no entry. cornholer Oh! this gentleman must be the gentleman who guards the King. Well, he shan't get a tip from me since he won't let English tourists in. (To the first free man). Do you think you could persuade His Majesty to come to the door? I should adore to see the King in the flesh, and if he'll do me this favor I'll give him a big tip as a reward. third free man (To the first) In the first place, there's no king and queen, either inside there or anywhere else in this country for that matter; in the second place, the people who are inside aren't allowed out. first free man You're right. (To lord cornholer) Mister foreigner, sir, the King and queen who are in there emerge with their retinue every day to accept tips from English tourists! cornholer Oh, hurray! I am grateful to you for the information. Here's another tip for you to drink my health. -- Jack! Pitch our tent and open some tins of corned beef. We shall camp here while awaiting audience of the King and the opportunity to kiss the hand of Her Gracious Majesty the Queen! ---------------------------scene four The prison yard pa ubu, ma ubu, convicts, guards the convicts Hurrah for slavery! Hurrah for Pa Ubu! pa ubu Ma Ubu, do you happen to have a piece of string I could use to tie the links of my chains together more securely? The balls are so heavy I'm afraid the chains may break when I try to walk. ma ubu Stupid clot! pa ubu Look, my iron collar's coming undone and the manacles are so big they're slipping off my wrists. If I'm not careful I'll end up at liberty, stripped of these fine trappings, deprived of my escort and other honours, and forced to pay my own expenses! guard Hey, Mister Ubu, Sir, there's your green cap flying over the windmills. pa ubu What windmills? My headquarters is no longer that windmill on the hill in the Ukraine from which I commanded my army. Oh no, I don't intend to get shot at ever again. But I miss my dear old phynance charger. ma ubu You were always complaining he wasn't strong enough to carry you. pa ubu Horn of Ubu! That was because he never got anything to eat! It's true that my iron balls don't eat either, and wouldn't complain if you stole from them. Besides I no longer have the account books in which I used to study your embezzlements. But enough of these considerations! From now on it will be those in charge of the Turkish galleys who will be robbing me, Ma Ubu, not you any longer. Farewell, Ma Ubu! We really should have a band to play stirring military music at our parting. ma ubu Look, here comes the escort of guards in their beautiful yellow-braided uniforms. pa ubu Ah, well, from now on we shall have to content ourselves with the monotonous clanking of our chains. Farewell once more, Ma Ubu. Soon I shall be regaled by the sound of splashing waves and creaking oars! My gaoler will look after you. ma ubu Farewell, Pa Ubu. If you should decide to come back any time for a little peace and quiet, you'll find me in the same stoutly-built little room, and by then I'll have embroidered you a beautiful pair of slippers. As, these farewells are too heart-breaking! I'll accompany you at least as far as the door! pa ubu and ma ubu and the convicts move off towards the door at the back of the stage. dragging their chains behind them and jostling and tripping over each other. ---------------------------scene five The square in front of the prison. lord cornholer, his valet jack, the three free men. the gaoler, the gaoler removes the bars, draws the bolts and unlocks all the locks on the outside of the door. cornholer Jack! Strike the tent and sweep up all these empty tins of corned beef, so that we can receive Their Majesties with due ceremony! first free man (dead drunk, waving an empty bottle). Long live the King! Long live the King! Hurrah for the King! second free man Idiot! That's Pa Ubu and Ma Ubu. third free man Psst! Shut up, and we'll get our share of tips and free drinks! second free man Me shut up? We're Free Men, aren't we? (at the top of his voice) Long live the King! Hey! Hurrah for the King! The door opens, the guards start coming out. ---------------------------scene six The same. guards, pa ubu, ma ubu pa ubu (stopping in amazement in the doorway, at the head of the flight of steps leading down to the square, with ma ubu at his side). Hornstrumpot, I must be losing my mind! What's the meaning of all this shouting and banging about? And all these drunken louts, they're as bad as the ones back in Poland! Help! They're going to crown me king again and beat me black and blue! ma ubu these fine upstanding individuals are not drunk at all. On the contrary. See, here's one all decked out in lace trimmings and gold braid who's just come up to beg the honour of kissing my regal hand! cornholer Jack! Come back here, you naughty boy! First look up in the dictionary the words 'King' and 'Queen'. jack (reading out) King, Queen: he or she who wears a ceremonial metal collar around the neck, and ornaments such as chains and cords at the wrists and ankles. Carries an orb representing the world cornholer The King of this country is a great, fat, double king! He has two orbs, and drags them with his feet instead of carrying them. jack (reading out) King of France, similar model. Wears a cloak bearing a design of fleur-de-lys buckled at the shoulder. cornholer This king's shoulder is quite bare, and there's a beautiful red fleur-de-lys inlaid into the skin itself. He must be a real, hereditary king of ancient lineage! Long live the King! jack and three free men (together) Long live the King! Hurrah for the King! pa ubu God almighty! I'm lost! Hornstrumpot, where can I hide? ma ubu You've made a fine mess of your plans for being a slave! You wanted to polish these people's feet, and now these same people are kissing your hands! And they don't seem any more squeamish about it than you do! pa ubu Madam our wife, watch out for your nearoles! We'll inflict severe punishment when we have more leisure. Right now, we're going to send this mob graciously on its way, just like in the good old days when our royal person's bumboozle overflowed the edges of the throne of Wenceslas: -- Hornboodle, pack of guttersnipes! Bugger off this instant, all of you! We don't like people creating an uproar in our presence, no one has ever dared to do so before, and we don't intend to let you be the ones to start! So shut up and piss off! Everyone withdraws most respectfully, with repeated cries of 'Long Live the King'. ---------------------------scene seven pa ubu, ma ubu, the convicts, among the later the leader of the convicts and brother bung. The convicts have sneaked up behind pa ubu during his peroration, and are now sprawling all over the stage. ma ubu Ah, they've gone at last. But what's this bunch of riffraff doing here? pa ubu These are friends, Ma Ubu, our prison colleagues, all disciples and loyal henchmen. convicts Long live the King! pa ubu What, again! Quiet I say, or by my green candle I'll beat you all up good and proper! leader of the convicts Don't be angry with us Pa Ubu. We are addressing you by your title because it is eternally linked with your name, and thus we are demonstrating our faithful attachment to your glorious past. Besides, we hope that between friends and colleagues, so to speak, your innate modesty may yet permit us to boast of your exploits! ma ubu Oh, what a beautiful speech! pa ubu My friends, I am deeply touched. However, I'm doling out no money ma ubu Ah, I should hope not! pa ubu Silence clownish female! æbecause we aren't in Poland any longer. but I wish to make due recognition of your loyalty and efficiency by handing out a few promotions -- that is, if you won't refuse to accept such honours from our hand -- our royal hand, since it pleases you to insist on our title. The chief advantage of this distribution of honours is that it will reduce the queue of those fighting to acquire precedence in carrying segments of the great chain of office which stretches out behind our bumboozle! You there, venerable Leader of our noble Convicts, you ole embezzler, you, we hereby create you Grand Treasurer of our Phynances! You over there, the legless cripple imprisoned for forgery and murder, we appoint you Commander-in-Chief! And you, Brother Bung, who share a small section of our great iron rosary, too, for lechery, extortion, and wilful destruction of private property, shall be our Grand Almoner! You, convicted prisoner, from now on you're our personal physician! And all the rest of you, thieves, bandits, brain-extruders, I name you all without exception gallant Craptains of our Pschittanarmy! ---------------------------Act Five ---------------------------scene one The square in front of the prison eleutheria, pissale, pissweet, the free men, people pissweet Forward, comrades! Hurrah for freedom! That fat slab of galley-fodder, Pa Ubu, has been taken away with the rest of the chain gang, the prisons are empty, and nobody's left but Ma Ubu who's unsewing mailbags and converting them into carpet slippers. We are free to do what we want, even to obey, We are free to go anywhere we choose, even to prison! Slavery is the only true freedom! all Hurrah for Pissweet! pissweet In response to your pleas, I agree to take over command. Forward!~ Let's break into the prisons and abolish freedom! all Hurrah, hurrah! Let's all obey. Forward! Off to the prison! ---------------------------scene two The same ma ubu, the gaoler pissweet Ha! there's Ma Ubu, using the bars of her cell as a mask. She looked better without the disguise ah, what a pretty little girl she was once upon a time. ma ubu Vile pissweet! gaoler No entry here, gentlemen. Who are you , anyway? Shouts, yells and jostling Free Men, are you? On your way, then, go on, move along there! first free man Let's smash the bars of the cells! second free man No, no, if we did that we'd no longer feel at home once we got in! third free man Let's break the door down! eleutheria Yes, please do. I've been tugging at the bellrope for hours, but my concierge still hasn't opened up. ma ubu (furiously) Go on, knock, I'll open up all right! She reaches through the bars of her cell window, clutching a stone jug, and bangs pissale on the head with it, splitting him neatly in half from top to toe. pissale (both halves in unison) Don't be alarmed, dear child. You now have two uncles. all Aha! Home at last. In we go. The door gives way, and they all pour in. the gaoler flees. ma ubu emerges. The door slams shut on her ball and chain, trapping her. But eleutheria slips her arm through the prison's wicket-gate, and cuts the chain with a pair of nail-scissors. ---------------------------scene three The convoy making its way across Saveonia. guards, convicts, pa ubu pa ubu Hornstrumpot, we're perishing! Mister Boss, Sir, be good enough to continue dragging us along by our chain so as to take some of the weight off our ball. And you, Mister Guard, Sir, pray put our manacles back on, so that we won't have to go to the trouble of clasping our hands behind our back as is our usual custom when going out for a stroll. And please screw our iron collar tighter round our neck so that we won't catch cold. guard Cheer up, Pa Ubu, we've nearly reached the port where the galleys are waiting. pa ubu We deplore more than ever the fact the state of our finances still does not permit us to acquire our own private Black Maria. As it is, our iron balls absolutely refuse to walk ahead of us and pull us after them, so we have had to make the entire journey pulling them ourselves by means of our feet, and even then they have insisted on stopping at frequent intervals, presumably to relieve themselves. ---------------------------scene four The same. the gaoler gaoler (running up) All is lost, Pa Ubu! pa ubu What, again! Look, I'm not a king anymore, you nincompoop! gaoler The Masters have revolted! The Free Men have become slaves, I've been thrown out, and Ma Ubu has been abducted from her prison cell. To prove the truth of what I'm saying: look, here's Ma Ubu's iron ball (The ball is trundled in in a wheelbarrow) which she's been judged unworthy to wear, and which, in any case, broke its chain by itself, refusing to follow her any longer! pa ubu (stuffs the ball into his pocket) Oof! to hell with these watches without watch-chains! Any heavier and it would have bust my pocket! gaoler The Masters have moved their wives and children into the prisons, they've invaded the arsenals and are having a hard time finding enough cannon balls to rivet to their legs as a badge of slavery. What's more, they're planning to get into Soliman's galleys ahead of you and occupy your seats. all the guards I'm joining the rebellion! -- Hurrah for slavery! -- Yah, we've had enough of this! We want to be slaves too, bugger it! pa ubu (to a guard) Here, we present you with our own ball, pray don't bother to thank us. We shall ask you to return it to us after we have had a little rest. He gives the balls to carry to the guards on either side of him. The convicts, giving in to the entreaties of the guards, load them with their chains. A confused din can be heard in the distance. guards and convicts Oh! oh! it's the rebel Masters! pa ubu Come now, gentlemen! Let's pluck up our courage by both handles. I see that you are armed and ready to face the light-footed, we intend to go quietly on our way without awaiting the arrival of these people who are, we fear, evilly disposed towards us. Luckily for us, it seems from that loud clanking noise I hear that they are heavily loaded with chains. gaoler No, that's the noise of cannon! They've got artillery, Pa Ubu. pa ubu Oh! I'm scared to death! Let's get back to the comfort of prison and carpet-slippers! Cannons are wheeled on and surround the stage. ---------------------------scene five The same. pissweet, the free men in chains pissweet Surrender, Pa Ubu! Hand over your iron collar, manacles and chains! Be free! We're going to strip you stark naked and show the world what you look like without your jewelry! pa ubu Oh, yes, Mister Pissweet? Just you try and catch me (he runs off ) pissweet Load the cannons. Fire on that big barrel of cowardice! third free man Let's obey. All together now, on the count of three! first free man Hey, corporal, the cannonball didn't go off. second free man Too true. It's the third Free Man's leg that went off! first free man Left foot forward, as usual, the clumsy oaf. second free man There are no cannon-balls left in the battery, corporal. We used them all up attaching them to our ankles as symbols of our newly-won slavery. pa ubu (reappears) Don't worry! Here's Ma Ubu's ball, it's been weighing down our pocket and we're glad to get rid of it. (He hurls it at pissweet and scores a direct hit.) Now try some of the grape-shot! (He massacres the free men by swinging a line of chained guards at them.) free men Help! Run for your lives! They run away, dragging their chains behind them and pursued by the now unencumbered convicts. From time to time, pa ubu grabs hold of the end of the chain, jerking the whole file to a halt. gaoler We're saved! Look, there are the Turkish galleys! The rout is halted, soliman, his vizier and his retinue appear at the back of the stage. ---------------------------scene six The headquarters of the Turks, soliman, the vizier soliman Vizier, have you taken delivery of two hundred slaves? vizier Sire, I have signed a receipt for that many slaves, since this was the number stipulated in our agreement with the Free Country, but the convoy in fact consists of more than two thousand heads. I just don't understand. Most of them are ridiculously festooned with chains and are loudly demanding fetters and leg-irons, which I understand even less, unless this is their way of showing their eagerness to participate in the honour of rowing in Your majesty's galleys. soliman What about Pa Ubu? vizier Pa Ubu claims his balls and chains were stolen from him on the way. he's in a terrible rage and threatens to stuff everyone in his pocket. At the moment he's breaking all the oars and smashing the benches while testing their solidity. soliman Enough! Treat him with the greatest respect. It's not theat I'm afraid of his violent nature Now that I've seen him in person, I realize how far greater he is even than report had it. I was so impressed by his noble air and majestic presence, in fact, that I made some private enquiries which have yielded an additional title to fame for him. Know then the real identity of this Pa Ubu who has been sent to me as a slave: he is my own long-lost brother, abducted many years ago by French pirates, and kept at hard labor in various convict prisons, whereby he was able to work his way up to the eminent position of King of Aragon and later King of Poland! Kiss the ground beneath his hands, but do not on any account reveal to him this astonishing news, for if he got an inkling of it he'd immediately install himself here in my empire with his whole family, and he'd be bound to gobble up my fortune in no time at all. Shove him on board a ship, and be quick about it. It doesn't matter where the ship's bound for, so long as we get him out of this country. See to it. vizier Sire, I obey. ---------------------------scene seven ma ubu, pa ubu ma ubu Pa ubu, these people are herding us on board like cattle. pa ubu So much the better. I'll be able to supervise the bull-pschitt while all the others row. ma ubu You've not had much of a season as a slave, have you, Pa Ubu? Nobody wants to be your master any longer. pa ubu What d'you mean? Things couldn't be better. Private sources have revealed to me that my Strumpot is huger than the whole world, and therefore worthier of my services. From now on I shall be the slave of my Strumpot. ma ubu Ah, you're so right, as usual, Pa Ubu. ---------------------------scene eight The leading galley, pa ubu, ma ubu, the gaoler, all the characters who have appeared during the play, chained to the benches as galley-slaves. pa ubu Look at all that greenery, Ma Ubu! You'd think we were in a cow-pasture. convicts (chanting in rhythm as they row). Let's mow the great meadow with sweeps of our scythes! pa ubu Yes green is the color of hope. Let us await a happy ending to all our adventures. ma ubu what strange music! They're all singing through their noses: they must have caught cold from the early-morning dew! gaoler Just to please you, sir and madam, I've replaced the galley-slaves usual muzzles with kazoos. convicts (chanting in rhythm). Let's mow the great meadow with sweeps of our scythes! gaoler Would you care to take command of the ship, Pa Ubu? pa ubu Oh, no! Even though you've chucked me out of this country and are taking me God knows where as a passenger in this galley, I still remain Ubu Enchained, Ubu Slave, and I'm not giving any orders ever again. that way people will obey me all the more promptly. ma ubu We're getting further and further away from France, Pa Ubu. pa ubu Ah, my sweet child, don't you worry your pretty head about our destination. It will certainly be a country extraordinary enough to be worthy of our presence, since we are being transported there in a trireme equipped with an extra bank of oars -- not just three, but four!